Shit telly

"Shit telly" is almost a tautology - so much of what is produced is not only shit, but deliberately shit. That's because people are idiots, and they like shit.

Take "Deal or No Deal". I can't watch it without immediately falling into an uncontrollable rage, which is quite unfortunate given the maddening frequency with which it seems to be on. I hate it for two reasons - firstly, it's a pointless game of chance, and secondly, the utter shitstains who go on it.

It's a game of chance that entails morons opening boxes containing sums of money, being offered a sum of money by the "banker" to end their game in case their box contains a hefty sum, which is invariably (tearfully) rejected, only for the greedy halfwit in question to end up settling for a lot less later in the show when whatever passes for their brain fails to alert them to the mathematical likelihood of failure. What the fuck is interesting about people opening boxes? People opening boxes is boring and rubbish, unless those boxes contain something exciting like mustard gas, a naked Charlotte Church, or maybe a velociraptor. Take note, Endemol.

Now, people answering questions, that's okay. You can play along at home, if that is your preference. And answering questions entails a skill, which opening boxes doesn't. Unless you were born with no arms. Which most of us aren't.

Which leads me onto the wretched specimens that invariably populate this dismal cackfest. There are invariably fat women of indeterminate age and hair-colouring, weeping and wailing as they open boxes. There are spanners entrusting with opening these boxes, earnestly offering (unerringly terrible) advice. There's always someone ostentatiously gay. There's a sagely old bloke, a teenager with pink hair, a mumsy housewife. Always.

But worst are the box-deciders, fretting and agonising over which sodding box to choose, as though they can somehow influence a random outcome. YOU CAN'T, you gibbering moron. Just pick a box, STOP CRYING, be grateful if you're offered some decent cash and then fuck the fuck off my screen.

I hate it. Really, really hate it - typical lowest-common-denominator television, idiots on show for consumption by other idiots.

And Noel Edmonds is a smug twat.

Some auntie

I hate the BBC.

Most people don't; it continues to enjoy a fuzzy sense of admiration from many, and enduringly misguided loyalty.

I have absolutely no idea why. Imagine hearing of an equivalent elsewhere: a left-wing state broadcaster employing 28,000 people, possessing an annual budget of £4bn, funded by a compulsory television tax. You'd snort with derision. Yet here, we speak warmly of "Auntie Beeb".

Its bias is so obvious it has even been forced to admit it. In spite of the principles of public broadcasting, it engages in the same mad dash for ratings that makes ITV wholly unwatchable. The crucial difference is that we don't pay for ITV to exist - it pays for itself, and while its schedule is filled with abysmal lowest-common-denominator rubbish, at least it does this off its own back.

So should the BBC be privatised?

Why not. Just to see what happens. Just to see how this fat, lazy, complacent organisation copes when exposed to the real world. Just to see how many of those 28,500 staff it actually does need. Just to see whether £4bn is the actual cost of its operations. Just to see the wails of horror from its pro-EU, AGW-fantasy-propagating, Tories-are-all-evil correspondents.

And best of all, having spent so long rubbishing the Conservatives, their backs are up. It's too late to back-track and make amends. Any right-wing party worth its salt should be opposed to a monumental waste of public money such as the British Broadcasting Corporation, let alone one that so palpably hates it. Revenge is in the air, and the Tories are likely to have a long time in office in which to settle a few scores.

This would be a great place to start.