Mindlessness, but not through drink...

This absolute sack of shit appears in today's Times, and is so unbearably depressing and stupid that nothing short of an absolute kicking will suffice.

Bars are to be banned from offering free alcohol to women and free wine and beer tastings will be curbed under a new system of government restrictions to cut public drunkenness.

"banned"..."curbed"..."government"..."restrictions" - and all in the first sentence. Not a promising start, is it?

There will also be rules to limit “happy hour” offers that encourage speed drinking and soft drinks will have to be sold at the same discount during promotions. Wine in restaurants will have to be served in glasses with marked measures.

Now that's actually a vaguely sensible - or least inoffensive - idea. Many of us can probably relate the frustration of a driver discovering that his soft drinks are costlier than alcoholic alternatives. Although I'd sooner see this being encouraged rather than legislated into existence.

The proposals, drafted by the Home Office and the Department of Health, seek to transform social attitudes towards drinking by breaking the association between drink and sexual, financial and social success.

Err...what? I drink a lot, but I don't imagine that it makes me alluring to the fairer sex (at least, not much), nor does it have a demonstrably positive impact upon my finances and societal standing. Of course advertisers seek to establish this link, but then they attempt to propogate the idea that selecting a certain brand of shaving gel will have a pouting model wearing nothing but one of your own shirts simperingly stroking your newly smooth chin as a precursor to boundless sex. To the best of my recollection, this is yet to occur.

A code for the drinks industry, leaked to The Sunday Times, marks a hardening in the government’s stance after the failure of a voluntary code to curb binge drinking. Hospital admissions linked to excess alcohol have more than doubled in the past 10 years.

Alcoholism has risen during New Labour's time in power? Really? Fuck me...

Threats by the government over the past four years to crack down on irresponsible behaviour by the drinks industry have foundered under the onslaught of aggressive discounting and promotions.

I like drinking. Alcohol producers like me drinking. And I haven't heard the Government complaining about the extorniate amount of tax they steal from me as a consequence.

The mandatory code of practice has alarmed the drinks industry with an elaborate series of rules including:

— Cigarette-style health warnings will have to be displayed wherever alcoholic drinks are sold. This would include shops, bars and, according to the industry, could force restaurants to place an official “sensible drinking message” on every table.

Oh dear God. A "sensible drinking message on every table" - aye, that's really going to cut down. I'd love to hear how this is going to be worded. "Dear drinker, please don't drink so much, love and kisses, Gordon Brown", perhaps? These people clearly don't know how pub culture works. Can they seriously envisage anyone saying "sorry lads, I'll sit this round out, this sensible drinking message has reminder me about the terrible damage that can be caused by excessive drinking"?

— A curb on promotional free wine, whisky and beer tastings. No samples may exceed 125ml and “care must be taken to ensure that customers do not return for further tastings and run the risk of becoming intoxicated”.

It is already illegal to serve to the intoxicated, so the second part of that is superfluous; and I fail to see what business it is of the government if people want to give away free stuff.

— A ban on drinking games, such as downing a glass in one, and “drink all you like” offers for those paying an entry fee will be abolished.

How the FUCK are they going to legislate on drinking games? Is some clipboard-wielding twat from the Department For Ruining Everyone's Fun going to lurk in every alehouse, looking out for people possibly enjoying themselves with drinking games?

— Wine in restaurants will have to be served in glasses with measures marked on the side.

Groan.

The government intervention represents a belated acknowledgment that hopes that Britain would adopt a civilised “cafe culture” with the introduction of 24-hour drinking have failed.

It uses disdainful language to describe the attitudes spread by Britain’s bar culture, which it blames for equating heavy drinking with personal success.

Britain doesn't have a café culture because on the whole, British people aren't terribly interested in that kind of thing. You can't impose a culture on people, however much these illiberal morons may think to the contrary.

And among my drinking companions, I know of none - NONE - who equate drinking with personal success. It is instead a way of relaxing after a day at work, or a means of increasing the enjoyment of a day at the football, or simply done for the obvious social benefits.

It warns that drinks should not be promoted as a means of boosting one’s “social, sexual, physical, mental, financial or sporting performance”.

The practice of selling cocktails called Sex on the Beach, or more sexually graphic names, will also be scrapped.

Oh for crying out loud. Will the aforementioned government nerd, doubtless sporting a little pencil moustache, also be on the look-out for vulgar drink names? And how the cunting hell can you actually design legislation for such an obviously grey area? Leaving aside the "why" - "HOW?!"

The safe drinking signs will have to include a statement from chief medical officers about safe daily drinking limits; a graphic showing the number of alcohol units contained within each glass or bottle and the address for a website offering information on drinking moderately.

I doubt there is a drinker in the land who doesn't know any of these things. A moderate, responsible drinker will roll his eyes in such pointless nannying; a serious problem drinker will not care. This rubbish has no obvious target.

Casual bar staff may be forced out by the proposed mandatory code, which will require all bar employees to undergo accredited training.

...raising costs for an industry struggling in the present climate. Clever.

It could become an offence to fail to ensure that staff have been trained in checking a customer’s age, turning away underage customers, refusing to serve customers who have overindulged and preventing drunken disorder.

It's already illegal to serve the underage or the drunk, and licencees are already compelled to ensure good behaviour on their premises. I'm not entirely sure what the aim of the above is.

Alcohol Concern has been calling for staff training in preventing excessive and underage drinking to be a requirement of a pub gaining its licence.

The mandatory code, which would be enforced by Trading Standards, was this weekend welcomed by health experts. Professor Ian Gilmore, president of the Royal College of Physicians, said: “The voluntary partnerships of the drinks industry are clearly not working. Mandatory codes at this stage are essential.

Any organisation calling itself "Alcohol Concern" is going to have an obvious and partial agenda, so we can view its utterances through this skewed prism. That's not to wholly dismiss its intentions, merely we require the other side of the argument. Though one supposes the a Government with a mania for imposing rules on us is unlikely to listen anyway.

“I think the next step will be to tackle the heavy discounting through a minimum price for a unit of alcohol.”

Oh, fuck you. It is absolutely NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. If a retailer wishes to sell me a product at a lower price, that transaction is the concern of myself and the producers, and no-one else.

Mark Hastings, communications director of the British Beer & Pub Association (BBPA), said the proposed rules could prevent students doing bar work during the summer holidays and could make it impossible to recruit enough staff for big sporting events, including the 2012 Olympics.

Quite.

“Most of these proposals are disproportionate and some are just plain daft. Every restaurant table and hotel room will need to have a detailed sensible drinking sign. Every document published by a drinks company will need to carry the sensible drinking message,” he said.

Exactly. It's an insane imposition by a deranged government with a psychotic need to boss us about.

This weekend The Sunday Times found bars were continuing to flout the voluntary code. At the Envy nightclub in Notting Hill, west London, groups of women were being offered free bottles of wine as part of the Crazy Sexy Cool Party promotion on Friday night.

So fucking what? People like free stuff, and those giving it away do so in the hope of future custom. That's a surprise because...?

I long for the day these horrible little fascists are swept from power, and yearn to be allowed to live my life how I want to, and not how some awful "experts", "advisers" and assorted cuntpipes want me to live it.

I'm so angry, I think I need a drink...